


Baptism

by NightmareWolf



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Art, Comedy, Grindr, M/M, Texting, and it goes great, edd gets a cool new phone, tord is mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 04:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17297693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightmareWolf/pseuds/NightmareWolf
Summary: All you've done with that DAMN PHONE is send DICK PICS to SATAN.





	Baptism

**Author's Note:**

> this is comedy™  
> im funni right  
> literally based off that necrophone gif thing on the old eddsworld site

Today is much like any other. See, when they're not putting up with hi-jinks and the impossible, they're usually lazily sitting around at home watching Tv and playing games. They, of course, being anyone in Edd's house. (Well, technically it's Edd AND Tord's house since he helped pay for it but...who's got time to say all that?) And just like any of those days, the morning was spent with Edd eating cereal at the kitchen table. With nobody else at the table, he was quite bored to put it bluntly. And, with not much else to do, he decided to use his phone as he ate.

However the phone in question wasn't a normal phone. Far from it, actually. You can buy anything on the internet these days, really. Tord may have shown him the thing on the dark web initially as a joke but...Edd couldn't help himself. He's no impulse spender by any means, but a phone that lets you text and call dead and otherwise non-earthly beings? Who could possibly pass that up?

Tom, of course, was quick to criticize. After all, there's no _way_ such a thing exists. It's a scam! Like everything on the dark web!

But Edd never listens to his friends so Tom's complaining was moot.

And, yes, that very phone he had purchased was the one he was using at the kitchen table. He wouldn't admit it, but he had grown to liking the device. It was almost an entirely different community in the un-dead internet. The lingo and jokes that circulate around are so foreign. It's like a different country, almost.

Edd was so enraptured by it all that he hadn't bothered to notice or hear Tom take a seat at the table.

"So," Tom had spoken up, quickly grabbing the attention of a startled Edd. "How's the uh...phone thing? Does it work?"

"Hell yeah it does." Edd grinned, looking back down at the phone screen. "It's pretty surreal, honestly."

"Wow, didn't know you knew that word. Look it up on the un-dead dictionary?" Tom sarcastically spoke, grinning mischievously before taking a bite from the toast he had made. " _Dead_ tionary?"

"No! I learned it from...uh...somewhere." Edd pursed his lips, giving Tom an unhappy look. "Anyway, why do you care? I thought you said it was rubbish, or something."

"Well, I do still think that," Tom leaned back in his chair. "But I was curious to if it actually _does_ anything."

"Well, it does."

"Can you download apps?"

"Yep."

"Neko Atsume?"

"Yeah, but they're, like, zombie cats."

"So, that's the gimmick, huh?" Tom exhales, placing an arm behind his head. "Everything is dead-themed?"

"Uh, I don't know..." Edd clicks out of whatever app he was in and swipes between different pages of his home screen, frowning a bit. "If somebody made an entire device, an entire _network_ with apps and websites for the whole purpose of it being this...virtual reality joke...seems like a lot of effort, doesn't it?"

"What, think this shit's real?"

"Dude, the Grim Reaper tried to sabotage my Christmas one year. Anything is real."

Edd absentmindedly kept flipping between the three pages of his home screen, looking at the apps he had. They all looked professionally designed, some had come on the device while others he downloaded. Funnily, a lot of them were almost parody-like, having dead-themed spins on existing brands. Still, even if the names were jokes, the websites themselves were surprisingly competent and not connected to the website they were based off of. It was...odd.

"Met anybody on there?" Tom has spoken up again after a bit of silence.

"Met...?" Edd became a bit flustered at the thought, before dismissively replying. "I met Zanta Claws on Numblr before he life-threated me and then blocked me."

" _Life-_ threated? How the hell you do that? Life yourself? LYS?" Tom chuckled at the pure absurdity.

Edd hummed. "Pretty much. It was funny, though. I—" Edd's speech was cut off as Tom suddenly moved over and snatched the phone out of Edd's hand, causing the other to instinctively yell.

"Hey! Why did you do that?" He growled, trying to get his phone back.

Tom's grin widened as he turned and held the phone the phone away from Edd, taking it upon himself to look around on the virtual space. "I just wanted to see what this is all about. Don't worry, don't worry, you'll get it back."

"Ugh, fine. Whatever." Edd sat back down, still clearly rather annoyed by Tom's actions.

Surprisingly, Tom was very quiet. Like, Tord levels of quiet. Which Edd found odd. Typically, with such power at his disposal, Tom would use it to make fun of Edd for any little thing. But here? Tom wasn't saying a word. His lack of volume was worrisome to Edd. He was beginning to wonder if Tom was pulling a trick of some kind, causing Edd to cock an eyebrow in suspicion. It didn't take long, maybe another minute, for Tom to speak up.

"Huh." It was only one word (or rather noise), but it alerted Edd. Especially with the acknowledging tone that it carried.

Tom smirked suddenly, looking back over to Edd and handing his phone back to the other as he spoke. "So, you're gay _and_ a necrophiliac?"

" _What?_ _"_ Edd sputtered, only being able to respond with a confused and flustered laugh. "I'm sorry, why do you think that?"

"I don't know, why do _you_ have the bone zone equivalent of Grindr on your phone?" Tom retorted back, more intensely this time.

"Okay, in my defense that _came_ with the phone!"

"Did a pre-made account come with it, too?"

"I was curious!"

"Maybe a bit  _too_ curious. Sexual curiosity is one thing but don't be dicking around with the dead!"

"I'm not! Plus you fuck plants!"

"Not dead plants!"

Edd groaned, wanting to slam his head down on the table. But, in doing so, he would slam his face in his bowl of cereal and that would suck. So, he instead put his elbow on the table and rested his head on his palm. "Look, I'm not trying to get with any dead people. That's gross."

"Fine. But I won't hesitate to take that thing away from you," Tom dismissively shot back in a stern voice, getting up from the table and walking out the kitchen, presumably to go back to his room.

"Thanks, _mom,_ " Edd hissed back in annoyance.

Jeez, what was his deal?

* * *

Even if all the porn in the world vanished Edd swore he would never jerk it to zombies and skeletons. He made a subtly disgusted face the entire time he scrolled through the un-dead Grindr feed. Didn't zombies have makeup of any sorts? Surely gender roles didn't apply to the dead when _everybody_ was ugly decaying bodies, right? But that was unfair to say, wasn't it? There were ghosts and demons on here, too. They weren't any better, though. Was that racist? Is saying that zombies and demons and everything in between are gross and ugly racist?

Why was he contemplating this again?

Just as he goes to close the app and find something better to do with his time, his phone vibrates as a notification pops up.

It was...a message.

Oh dear.

With a furrowed brow, Edd clicks on the message. The person's—rather, demon's—user name is Xx_King0fHell_xX. Classy. Seems that the fads and lingo are about as dead as its users.

 **Xx_King0fHell_xX**  
**1:37 p.m**  
** \-------**  
**Hey baby**  
**Says your location is on the surface world...**  
**And with a blank icon...**  
**The mystery has got me interested ;)**

Edd just stares at the text, dumbfounded. Was a demon really hitting on him? Was he seriously, by the Gods, being flirted with by an un-dead being?

Another text comes in before Edd can respond.

** How'd you get on here? being from the surface, n all... **

Edd chooses to respond this time.

 **CoalaKola**  
**1:38 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**bought this off the deep web**  
**the phone, i mean**  
**u can get anything online XD**

** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**1:38 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**I see, I see...**  
**Mind sending a pic ;))?**  
**Oh but be sure to put ur pinky finger up so i kno u arent catfishing...**

**CoalaKola**  
**1:39 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**uhm**  
**i can try?**  
**kinda shy tho**

With that, Edd took a picture of himself just as the other had wanted it. Was this really a good idea? Sending pics of himself to a demon?

Eh, it was probably fine.

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**1:40 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Aw dont worry**  
**I'm sure youre a hottie ;))**

 **CoalaKola**  
**1:40 p.m**  
**\-------**  


** i tried. **

Several minutes went by without a reply, and Edd felt disappointed if anything. Maybe this demon gave up on him. Maybe he wasn't interested in humans.

Wait, why was he disappointed about that? He didn't want to fuck a demon. He wasn't like Tord with his anime succubus. He wasn't going to drop down to _Tord's_ level.

In the midst of his thoughts was he finally bestowed a notification. He picked up his phone faster than he would've liked to admit, clicking on the notification right away.

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**1:45 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Unholy shit**  
**Youre that one kid**  
**Ive MET you**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**1:45 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**!?!?!?!?**  
**0.0 how!?!?**

 **Xx_King0fHell_xX**  
**1:45 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Wouldn't you remember?**  
**I'm Lucifer**  
**You came with your little group of friends...there were three others I think**  
**Yeah three**  
  
**CoalaKola**  
**1:45 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**:0**  
**OMG**  
**LUCY!**

Edd grinned as he tapped on the glass screen, throwing himself down onto his bed as he quietly giggled and reiterated every sentence he typed out under his breath. It was kind of funny meeting Lucifer again, on a Grindr app no less. Lucifer was gay? Well, makes sense, right? He _is_ Satan, no?

They continued their conversation after the initial shock of re-meeting each other wears off. It veers away from being horny and just generally talking. You know how it is, talking about how your life has been with Lucifer, him telling you how many sinners he's punished today, what you've been doing this week...the normal things. Of course, as the conversation progresses it does drift back slowly but surely into the reason this app exists in the first place. Edd, unsure if Lucy's being serious or not, decided to humor him and go along with their flirtatious game. They send scandalous texts back and forth, all the while Edd telling himself he's just doing this ironically because...it's funny! Isn't it?

Well, it's funny until an hour has passed, more than a hundred messages and risque photos from Lucifer later does Edd think to himself,

Man, am I really sexting the devil himself?

* * *

"You seem pretty engrossed with that new phone."

A day or two has passed, and Edd had been nonstop using the damn thing. But, how could he not? There was a whole world to explore! All the websites and such, the domains even start with .mmm! Everything's almost a total opposite! And there was also, well...

There was also Lucifer.

It was silly and surreal to believe he was literally hitting it off with the King of Hell himself, but they were a pretty good match. (Not to brag, or anything. I'm sure you connect with your partner just fine!) Edd wasn't even sure he was doing it for laughs at this point. After all, what do you consider the breaking point? The point where it becomes unironic? Is it sending a dick pic? If so, then Edd's beyond the point of return.

Naaah, that's not right. It's still a good ol' joke. He'll reconsider if he jerks off to any photos Lucifer sends him.

"Edd!"

The voice startles Edd. He looks over at his friend Matt who he had been sitting with. "You really are totally into that phone. You keep spacing out."

"Sorry," Edd mumbles an apology. A flustered one, albeit, but an apology nonetheless.

"Maybe it's hypnotizing you. Like, in this thing Tord showed me—"

"Matt, this isn't one of Tord's animes. I'm not being hypnotized by an anime girl or something."

"Oh." Matt kicks his legs against the couch leaning his head back a bit to get a better look at what Edd is doing on his phone. "Tom said you're on Grindr now. Do you have that hard of a time trying to get laid, or?"

Edd groans. "I swear to God—I told Tom I was just _curious_!"

"Then who are you texting?" Matt asks, angling his head to get a better view. Well, that is until Edd pulls the phone closer to himself.

"Somebody," he replies secretively.

Matt rolls his eyes. "I don't care who they are but if they're blowing you they better not do it in this house."

* * *

 

 **CoalaKola**  
**2:03 a.m**  
**\------**  
**heres the thing right**  
**im no good with acronyms**  
**and like you guys have your own set of them**  
**its like a card game and i havent even collected series 1**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**2:03 a.m**  
**\-------**  
**COL need help?**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**2:03 a.m**  
**\------**  
**YEAH**  
**what the hell is col?????**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\-------**  
**Cackling Out Loud**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\------**  
**just say lol, lol**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\-------**  
**?**  
**I dont know of your equivalents im afraid...**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\------**  
**tbf?**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\-------**  
**To Be Fucked**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**2:04 a.m**  
**\------**  
**HAHA**  
**i always knew somewhere that's what that meant**  
**am i tbf?**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**2:05 a.m**  
**\-------**  
**I am considering it ;)**

 **CoalaKola**  
**2:05 a.m**  
**\------**  
**;);)**  
**may b ill visit hell again soon**

* * *

For the entire next day, Edd can't get Lucifer out of his head. He keeps thinking about the other—reading old messages, looking at the pictures he's sent, maaaaybe or maybe not jacking it to them.

He's gone past the point of irony, hasn't he?

Seriously, who in their right mind wants to get together with Lucifer? Was he even looking for a serious relationship or just someone to bang? Hell, Edd could ask himself the same question! He really had no clue what he was doing anymore! He had even started uploading shit onto DeadviantArt and, hilariously, gained a bit of a small following on there, too. It was like he was juggling two worlds, two completely separate and different cultures. Is this how it felt to speak two languages?

"It's such bullshit," Edd spoke aloud to Tom, whom he was currently venting out his ~~sexual~~ frustration to. "I wish this was simpler."

"I'm not the one who decided to hit up on an underworld hookup app. That's your fault, bub," Tom dismissed as he strummed a note of his guitar.

"Yeah, but I'm still looking for some advice here."

"Edd, I'm a depressed alcoholic with no dating experience. How much help am I going to be for you?" Tom rhetorically asks, to which Edd has to actually ponder this for a moment before sighing.

"Well, I'd like some solace at least, then."

"Man, more fancy words. Lucifer has been your English teacher on the side while fuckin' you, huh?"

"Don't make it weird!"

"You're trying to get with the Lord of Hell. I literally couldn't make this any weirder even if I tried, Edd."

"Yeah, well," Edd sat up from the bed he was laying down on—Tom's bed, to be exact—and pointed at Tom's bass. "You have an on and off relationship with your bass! Isn't that weird?"

"Hey! Susan and mine's bond is very special. Plus, genetically, I'm 25% inanimate object," he states, looking up at Edd. "You're 0% demon as far as I know."

"Are you against interracial breeding?" Edd sarcastically asked, trying to huff angrily but his smile giving him away.

Tom sighs. "There's so many illogical parts to that I'm not even going to begin trying to correct it."

* * *

 

Edd wonders if he should say anything.

It's only been a week and this entire debacle has been a wild and unexpected ride.

He had no clue what he was looking for. He was only twenty two, how the hell did he know what to look forward to in life? Was he even old enough to date Satan? Should he get a second opinion on this?

That's the great thing about adulthood, right? You're totally on your own. Except here he wished his mom could tell him what to do.

 **CoalaKola**  
**10:48 p.m**  
**\------**  
**hey**

He texts, not knowing where to take the conversation or even as to what he should say.

 **Xx_King0fHell_xX**  
**10:50 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Heeeeeey ;)**

Edd chuckles to himself at the way Lucifer replied. But now it was his turn to reply, and he had no clue how to.

He wasn't good with words, not at all. He was never the type who could write a long, sappy poem or could spill his heart out. He was naturally guarded, and everything came out short and blunt. It's just how he worked.

So, maybe he should try that.

 **CoalaKola**  
**10:52 p.m**  
**\------**  
**r u looking for like**  
**jus hookups or long-term serious stuff?**

He was asking this. He was asking an immortal, thousand year old being if he was looking for serious relationships. Did he even want to date Lucifer? What happens if they break up and he gets onto Lucifer's ex list? Does he have a sure spot in Hell, then? Or would that be too awkward for Lucifer and he gets sent to Heaven?

Why the fuck was he contemplating this again?

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**10:53 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Depends, i guess**  
**There isn't many options down here**  
**Why, is there something u wanna tell me ;)?**

 ** CoalaKola **  
**10:53 p.m**  
**\------**  
**maybe**  
**itd just be awkward, tho**  
**ur an immortal being and im human**  
**thatd be kinda weird**

 **Xx_King0fHell_xX**  
**10:54 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**Fair...**  
**But,**  
**No one's stopping you from trying**  
**;)**

Edd's eyes widen a bit. Lucifer was actually going along with this. What the fuck.

 ** CoalaKola **  
**10:55 p.m**  
**\------**  
**0///0**  
**maybe....we should meet up??**  
** >\\\<**

 ** Xx_King0fHell_xX **  
**10:55 p.m**  
**\-------**  
**COL...**  
**DTF?**

 **CoalaKola**  
**10:55 p.m**  
**\------**  
**oho.**  
**you bet ;)**


End file.
